Thursday, December 27, 2012

Christmas and an update

Have you ever felt like you are in 2 different worlds? Our you are torn between 2 people? My emotions during the holidays have been mixed as we are surrounded by love, forgiveness, peace, hope, etc. I want to be nice and loving to the person who hurt my son, but she shows no remorse. How do you forgive someone who shows no sadness? Who yells at you on the phone and tells you your son is just fine? How do you tell someone who's child you've hurt these things?? This is even more complicated because she is a close family member. We love her and only wish she would love our son back. We wish she would show something, some type of love or care towards him. She's not volunteered to do one flippin thing with him. He is sad to watch and hard to understand. If she is as sad as she says to everyone else, why not go to counseling with him? Why not rebuild that relationship and cope together? I just don't understand... I watch my son struggle emotionally and I'm angry but yet at the same time, very grateful for just how blessed he is. There are days when I call my husband crying because I'm upset about the entire situation. My brain wonders...... I think of the future- will he pass a driver's test? Will glaucome cause him to be blind in 10 years? How will he play sports? Why do the glasses have to fog up in the cold? Why the PTSD? Why hasn't the person who shot the gun, come over to love and support him? I get on the why treadmill and I just want to scream and hit like a child. Being the shooter happens to be a family member, it makes Christmas hard. We love that person and we wish things would just go back to how they used to be. How do you show that love when they show no emotion? She has NO IDEA the trauma this has caused. If you don't believe me, call his therapist! We've nicknamed Drake the traveling sleeper. He moves from his bed, to our floor, to the couch to the floor all night long. He is now napping in the late afternoon. He wakes up telling me something just oozed out of his eye, to turn on the lights to find it was all just a dream. He also had a dream where someone cut him up into pieces but he was a piece of paper. Dreams that are never peaceful or calm but distorted and wrong. My husband decided to make a fire out in the backyard pit while it was snowing, just to see how it felt. Drake told me that he didn't want to go out to the fire. I asked why- he stated that smell reminds him of, "you know what...". I was so sad. Then I made breakfast and he refused to eat it. I made eggs and bacon along with some sausage. Drake loves sausage, or should I say he used to. Now he won't eat it. The pure memory of breakfast the morning he got hit and vomitting non stop has caused him to develop classical conditioning. He wants absolutely nothing to do with anything that morning. It breaks my heart... I had to make a decision as a mother to either 100% put myself into my employment or pull myself out. Financially, sanity and insurance reasons, made me decide that I had to re-dedicate myself to my job. I have a lot of opportunities coming up and I've worked hard to get. It would be foolish to get discouraged and walk away now. It's like giving up half way in a race. Plus sitting at home would do Drake no good. It would only show him that giving up is an option. Behavior wise, Drake has been pretty out of control Drake has started a medication which is helping his ADHD. His ADHD went thru the roof when this happened. He's constantly agitated or bugging someone. We've had to find coping mechanisms to make this manageable. Christmas was great. We went to Dr. Hoffman on 12/12/12. Must be a lucky day. We bought ourselves 4 months until we return. We have a few possible surgeries within the next few years. They will cold laser the cloudiness in his lens and they will also reconstruct the pupil due to the constant light sensitivity. Nothing like the thought of a knife to your son's eye. Sports are going to be a challenge. Drake was cleared to play the next sport, which is soccer. He's refusing to wear the sport goggles as he does not want to be teased. There's another 500.00 in glasses. I guess emotionally, I can not fathom what he must go thru or think about himself. He hates getting hit in the face or head with snowballs now. He comes in crying and his glasses fog up. It is amazing how much trauma to an eye can derail you. I wonder how I do it (and how he does it!) and I'm sure when I look back, I won't have a way to describe it. I read other parents stories and challenges and it helps get me thru these times. I read a story today that hurt my heart. We decided to help this little boy in the story and make him a HOPE bracelet out of LEGO's. I can only hope that people who read this story, send positive thoughts and prayers to not only my son but all the other little children out there struggling to survive from a disease or sickness in which they didn't ask for. Until next time....

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