Saturday, August 4, 2012

Nightmares and anxiety

I thought it best to write this now as it may be boring but its an update of emotions and fears. I often wonder if maybe its best this happened to Drake at a young age. I wonder had he been older, would this be harder? However, if I could have chosen me over him, I would have switched places in a heart beat. He definitely suffers from PTSD, lately he thinks that something is wrong with his throat, chest, knees and so on. Different parts of his body are always hurting and he has horrible fears of closing his eyes to sleep.

Little does he know, these same fears leave me crying some nights. I'll never be able too look into my sons beautiful eyes again. They will never be the same. There is something to be said about someone's eyes and the expressions they hold. Drake is a very expression-able boy. He's wanted to be an actor and a DJ for as long as he started to realize what growing up meant. He loves art and music. He's an amazing boy! This week has been tough. Busy with work and still attempting to spread my time (or what is left of it) between all 3 boys.

Sometimes I find myself lonely. There's only so much my husband can do to comfort me and I get angry that this has happened. I've also held frustrations towards my mother for being so selfish. If I need to talk to someone, you'd think naturally I could call her and she'd listen. If you knew my mom you'd know she always has an illness she has to talk about. It's always about her. She hasn't sent her grandson even a card or seen us for a year. We always have to go see her and i finally vowed to quit doing this. Half the time she's so medicated she doesn't make sense and just tells me he's going to go blind. She's pretty much a lost cause.

I miss my Dad, being he's logical and calm, I wish he was here. I think I could at least have someone to talk with.

Bills, bills, bills.. They just keep coming. I'm sure there is no way we are going to be able to pay it all at once. I guess we just keep taking the hits as they come! Then there is back to school. Drake's surgery is set for August 20th unless something warrants an earlier date. This is the day before school. The physician had the nerve to say in front of Drake, "I'm not concerned with his schooling. He will be dealing with this for the rest if his life!" Hey, thanks there doc for the hope. I mean, seriously!!! The robotic will shortly return.

Anyway, that's it for now. Please continue to pray for him and thank you for the continued love, prayer and support! If you could throw in some for patience and hope that'd be great ;)

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