Thursday, December 27, 2012

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Thank you to all who have loved and supported us during this year. Words will never be enough to thank you!

Thank you Traverse Elementary

On another note! A quick thanks to Mrs. Johnson and Mr. Stephenson at Traverse Elementary School. In the spirit of giving, Mr. Stephenson (principal) and Drake's teacher had me come in one day and teach his class how to make HOPE bracelets. We made 31 bracelets in about 2 hours. I didn't take pictures of the children as I don't know their parents, but the kids were great and we are very appreciative of their kind acts and giving their time to help other children out. What a great group of 4th graders. I am grateful for all the support we receive from this school. Go Tigers!

Christmas and an update

Have you ever felt like you are in 2 different worlds? Our you are torn between 2 people? My emotions during the holidays have been mixed as we are surrounded by love, forgiveness, peace, hope, etc. I want to be nice and loving to the person who hurt my son, but she shows no remorse. How do you forgive someone who shows no sadness? Who yells at you on the phone and tells you your son is just fine? How do you tell someone who's child you've hurt these things?? This is even more complicated because she is a close family member. We love her and only wish she would love our son back. We wish she would show something, some type of love or care towards him. She's not volunteered to do one flippin thing with him. He is sad to watch and hard to understand. If she is as sad as she says to everyone else, why not go to counseling with him? Why not rebuild that relationship and cope together? I just don't understand... I watch my son struggle emotionally and I'm angry but yet at the same time, very grateful for just how blessed he is. There are days when I call my husband crying because I'm upset about the entire situation. My brain wonders...... I think of the future- will he pass a driver's test? Will glaucome cause him to be blind in 10 years? How will he play sports? Why do the glasses have to fog up in the cold? Why the PTSD? Why hasn't the person who shot the gun, come over to love and support him? I get on the why treadmill and I just want to scream and hit like a child. Being the shooter happens to be a family member, it makes Christmas hard. We love that person and we wish things would just go back to how they used to be. How do you show that love when they show no emotion? She has NO IDEA the trauma this has caused. If you don't believe me, call his therapist! We've nicknamed Drake the traveling sleeper. He moves from his bed, to our floor, to the couch to the floor all night long. He is now napping in the late afternoon. He wakes up telling me something just oozed out of his eye, to turn on the lights to find it was all just a dream. He also had a dream where someone cut him up into pieces but he was a piece of paper. Dreams that are never peaceful or calm but distorted and wrong. My husband decided to make a fire out in the backyard pit while it was snowing, just to see how it felt. Drake told me that he didn't want to go out to the fire. I asked why- he stated that smell reminds him of, "you know what...". I was so sad. Then I made breakfast and he refused to eat it. I made eggs and bacon along with some sausage. Drake loves sausage, or should I say he used to. Now he won't eat it. The pure memory of breakfast the morning he got hit and vomitting non stop has caused him to develop classical conditioning. He wants absolutely nothing to do with anything that morning. It breaks my heart... I had to make a decision as a mother to either 100% put myself into my employment or pull myself out. Financially, sanity and insurance reasons, made me decide that I had to re-dedicate myself to my job. I have a lot of opportunities coming up and I've worked hard to get. It would be foolish to get discouraged and walk away now. It's like giving up half way in a race. Plus sitting at home would do Drake no good. It would only show him that giving up is an option. Behavior wise, Drake has been pretty out of control Drake has started a medication which is helping his ADHD. His ADHD went thru the roof when this happened. He's constantly agitated or bugging someone. We've had to find coping mechanisms to make this manageable. Christmas was great. We went to Dr. Hoffman on 12/12/12. Must be a lucky day. We bought ourselves 4 months until we return. We have a few possible surgeries within the next few years. They will cold laser the cloudiness in his lens and they will also reconstruct the pupil due to the constant light sensitivity. Nothing like the thought of a knife to your son's eye. Sports are going to be a challenge. Drake was cleared to play the next sport, which is soccer. He's refusing to wear the sport goggles as he does not want to be teased. There's another 500.00 in glasses. I guess emotionally, I can not fathom what he must go thru or think about himself. He hates getting hit in the face or head with snowballs now. He comes in crying and his glasses fog up. It is amazing how much trauma to an eye can derail you. I wonder how I do it (and how he does it!) and I'm sure when I look back, I won't have a way to describe it. I read other parents stories and challenges and it helps get me thru these times. I read a story today that hurt my heart. We decided to help this little boy in the story and make him a HOPE bracelet out of LEGO's. I can only hope that people who read this story, send positive thoughts and prayers to not only my son but all the other little children out there struggling to survive from a disease or sickness in which they didn't ask for. Until next time....

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Breakdown.... Sick and tired of it all!

This week we had so many meltdowns with Drake and freak outs that we took him to his Pediatrician to see what are options are. Being he has ADHD, and then PTSD, she suggested a medication for now and possibly a second in a few weeks- if he gets too sleepy. We've not seen too much of a change but I guess it's worth the try. His pediatrician is Dr. Melissa Kendall!! She's been taking care of my boys for quite some time! I definitely trust her! I found this picture below and I think it expresses the way I feel! I've been really sick again this week. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Emotionally, I'm fried!

Sunday, October 14, 2012

KSL... Click link to KSL news! You can donate under Drake Sorensen at any Chase Bank or on the PayPal tab!!

Click link to KSL news! You can donate under Drake Sorensen at any Chase Bank or on the PayPal tab!! I would write more but I'm pretty under the weather!

Friday, October 5, 2012


So this week the fear of glasses has started. Drakes eye continues to shut half way. It looks sorta like a lazy eye. He has a serious bifocal in the left lens
We paid extra to have the bifocal made as thin as possible without giving him a major bug eye. We took him to Alpine Vision and they were great!

Kids at school yesterday were calling Drake names because of his glasses. Sometimes I wish I could go smack those kids!

Drake continues with art therapy. I noticed this morning he left his snack and homework folder on the counter. The therapist explained that with PTSD it's normal to have everything a mess. It's a reflection of how Drake views himself. It's so sad and very overwhelming. He rips through his drawers like a hurricane to find things, he leaves his laces untied, his writing has gone bad and we just had parent teacher conference to learn that he's slipped back to a second grade level in writing and spelling. It's so upsetting. He may act like he is doing great but that's because I can tell he desperately wants to feel that way! He also asked for eye drops this week. That was also a first. He had been jumping on trampoline and came in crying that his eye was hurting and felt dry.

Sorry that my blogs have become boring. We are just trying to maintain a normal, positive, lifestyle. Next week we are off to the eye doc at Children's and art therapy in Orem. I will be out of town for work again. I hope he does ok. It's so hard to leave them all...

We also hiked Timp Cave last weekend! All the boys loved it!

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

A never winning battle....and exhaustion

Life is hard. I'm not sure who the first person was to say that, but it's pretty true. Drake has been hard lately. We've started him in art therapy and the therapist told us that a child with PTSD mixed with ADD are the hardest to pull out of and the process will take about 2 years. This can explain why Drake comes home from school whenever he sees someone who resembles the person who pulled the trigger.

Nights are still very challenging. He becomes an emotional monster. I leave again for work next week and I'm sad about that. However, I'm grateful to have a good job and good health insurance. My employer and boss have been very patient with me as we travel this journey. From what I can see we have quite a long road ahead.

My Grandma Peggy passed away Wednesday. I hate death, in fact I fear it now more than ever. I fear having one of my children die before me. I'm really going to miss my grandma . She was such a great lady. I have fond memories of her spoiling me rotten and always being so sweet. She's with my Grandpa Bob now and I'm sure she's much happier.

Okay, back to Drake as this blog is for him. We've lost sone steam on bracelet making. It seemed like after his surgery and school starting its just so crazy! We are going to start making more again. It looks like we will have another surgery in a few months so it can keep us occupied until then.

My sister has been staying with us and helps out tremendously. Drake and Hollie have this strange bond. I blame it on their ADHD! He just loves to sleep by Aunt Hollie, play with her, etc. He even made a special bracelet just for her!

Anyway, we have our semi weekly visit to Children's Hospital today so I will go for now. It's off to work I go!

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Sleepless nights...

Argh! It's 5:03 a.m. and I'm tossing and turning in my hotel room. I'm away from all of my kiddos and I'm so stressed about Drake. He's so behind in school. He's only able to read, if he covers his left eye with his hand and at this point I wouldn't call it reading.
He came home from school this week sick from his eye and very upset. We've agreed to put him in therapy as he has pretty bad PTSD. He's either upset or upsetting someone else especially towards the evening. I've also noticed pretty intense panic attacks.
My sister who is closest to Drake is moving to Utah. I'm so happy. I feel like someone is holding a pillow over my face and I'm fighting for air. It will be great to have her comfort.

I would have never thought this situation would try all my patience, frustration, sadness, etc. I honestly can say I feel actual heartache for him. My husband has been working a lot, so it's been very lonely. The other two boys are doing great. I feel very fortunate that Drake is such a fighter and positive child. I often wonder if God gave him all the spirit and creativeness he has to help prepare us for situations like this. I've never seen a child so positive thru such hard times. He's still making everyone laugh.

The sweetest thing I've heard my youngest say while we were cuddling was when asked what his favorite thing was about each brother, he said, " I like Drake's owie eye." His innocence and lack of judgement because someone was different melted my heart. When times are tough, I try my best to hold onto the sweet moments like those.....

Friday, August 24, 2012

Quotes worth noting...and a picture worth showing!

"Make no judgement where you have no compassion" -Anne McCaffrey

"Never look down on anybody, unless you are helping them up"
-Jesse Jackson

"With humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers, and once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it" -Bill Cosby

"Many of the great achievements of the world were accomplished by tired and discouraged men, who kept working"
-Hermione Granger

"We should live our lives as Christ was coming this afternoon" -Jimmy Carter

"What seems to us as bitter trials, are often blessings in disguise"
-Oscar Wilde

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Pictures of surgery and after

Here are pictures throughout the day of surgery and today! You will notice a "monster" Slim Jim. He wanted one. Very random. We also had my hope bracelet on and his father wore his because he couldn't have it on in surgery.

I have a newborn, but he's 9 and hard to hold...

It's 9:45 pm Tuesday. I'm preparing physically and mentally oh and emotionally for work tomorrow. My heart goes out to all the half zombie, sleepless mother's!!! Let's say given what was left with the front capsule of Drake's eye the physicians did the best they could in a bad situation. One of the docs came out about 25 mins into surgery and stated that there was very little front capsule left so he wasn't too confident they could get a synthetic lens in, but they've measured for one and would try. Drake had EXTREMELEY high pressure in his eye and they are hoping getting the cataract out would improve that. At that point we were left to sit and wait. I was just in shock, the mother robot was back- just as she was June 30th. We ate and waited. I enjoyed the view of SLC, which briefly side tracked me! I said probably the 20 th prayer so far into my morning which started the night before. I could not rest. After another 1.5 hours and a lot of looks on pinterest out came both surgeons. They sat and talked to us. They stated there was a tiny leaflet that they were able to stitch the synthetic lens too. They both stated it was better to try then do nothing at all. They cleared out a lot of damaged tissue and they stated the back of the eye looked ok given the trauma it had experienced. They said they couldn't repair the shredded iris because the eye just wasn't stable enough. They also stated he was developing fogginess in the back of the eye, so to not be alarmed if things go blurry again. He'd have to get another surgery and we'd just have to ride the wave of what his eye decided to do. However, the cloudiness from the cataract was out and they were hoping the lens would take. They also placed a dissolvable contact with antibiotics on it. I thought how uncomfortable stitches and that thing would be in his eye. My heart hurt for him. I kept my game face on. About another 45 mins after they called us back to our son who was acting like he was out of the Exorcist. All jokes a side, he suffered emergence delirium. He ws screaming, mumbling, hitting, kicking, punching and lashing out. I was trying to hold all 77lbs of him and he bit me. There was about 8 people in the room and the anesthesiologist was trying to explain what was going on. He finally got overwhelmed as we continued to hold him down so he wouldn't hurt his IV site or rip off his eye patch. It was living hell. I wanted to say, "Sedate him, please!" I thought it was a nightmare. That bite kept things very much in reality. The anesthesiologist gave him clonidene and had us wait about 15 mins then resorted to morphine. Five mins later, hair up and throw off, I heard snoring. That was literally like a boxing class for all of us. we were all red and sweating. He finally woke up, asked if the surgery was done and I said prayers in my head, I had my funny boy backed. We finished recovery- gave Kim (literally the angel nurse) a HUGE, "Thank you," and we're off! Things were very challenging up until this afternoon. I will update more but I'm tired and haven't really talked to my husband, so I'm going to spend time with him. Drake has finally fallen asleep in his bed. Hallelujah and goodnight.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Click link to ABC4 news! You can donate under Drake Sorensen at any Chase Bank or on the PayPal tab!!

Thank you Grandma Tammy for a fun day!

Grandma Tammy picked up Drake and was meeting up with Papa Kelly for one on one time before surgery! She showed up with cool back to school clothes and a very fitting eyeball backpack! We love you Tammy, thank you for all you do!

Friday, August 17, 2012

Fun times before surgery!

So we went by the school today to see the class lists! Here are some pictures of the boys and me along with Traverse Mountain Principal, David Stephenson! He's a great principal!!! The ice cream truck also made a cameo so I gave in...Surgery is Monday, bright and early at 7:30 am! Here we are all smiles!!! I love all my boys so much!!